Why do you call me the light of the world...?

Why do you call me the light of the world when all things around me turn black?

Why do you claim that my smile lights the way when I just feel the need to turn back?

How can you love me when all I do just turns from a dream to dust?

How can I polish the silver when all I can see is rust?

How can you give me everything when nothing is what I deserve?

How can you tell me that I am your dream when life has lost it's nerve?

How can I fix the unfixable?
How can I make you mine?
How can I change the unthinkable
And still come out with time?

Time to make you happy...
Time to make you proud...
Time to make you want me...
To shout my name out loud...

Without you I am nothing...
The dirt along the ground...
Long gone the inspiration of which you were so proud...

A long time dead the shining smile behind the laughing eyes...
I know not how to win you back...
I fear my time is nigh...

I cling on for security
I know not where I'd be
Without you here beside me
My life, my soul, my tree...

Reaching out your branches,
Like loving arms to mine,
Entwine my heart you mighty oak,
For it is ever thine...

No Wonder I'm Tired!!!

Did some accounts, paid some bills, did some washing, took some rubbish out, made packed lunch for Isaac and his friend... prepared a Phoenix order, collected some stuff from the caravan, picked up said friend up from Riccall and dropped off Isaac and friend to go fishing at Skipwith... then I drove Emily into York for enrollment at college (yay Emily!), bought a birthday present for my nephew and drove Emily home from college... Next I collected the boys from fishing, prepared 20 brochures and invitations for a Butterfly Party, wrapped a parcel for a friend and took it to the Post Office... I then took three bags and a box full of obsolete stuff to the tip along with an old computer then I cleaned out the car boot, made tea for Isaac and friend, drove to Biggin to see a customer, took friend home to collect his skateboard, drove Isaac and friend to Skaterbeach... Then I drove home, dropping boys off on the way and when I got home I cooked tea for Emily, John and myself and collapsed on the sofa wondering how come I’m so tired!

This entry has been idling in my drafts folder for I don't know how long, so I thought I'd post it... just in case anyone else had days like this and could seek solace in the fact that they are not the only ones!

Saying Boo...

Sometimes it is required of a person to be strong, to stay calm and to maintain composure at all times...In tight or uncomfortable situations it is the only way to get the result you want and deserve...

But sometimes, after being strong and calm and composed... all you want to do is cry... I cried today...

Pain...

Sometimes my body, sometimes in my heart,
On my mind and in the dark...

Sometimes on purpose, sometimes not...
Sometimes remembered, sometimes forgot!

Pain in my heart is the worst pain of all,
It strikes me down from nowhere at all,
I stand tall and strong and I try to take heed,
But it gnaws at me inside and on me it feeds...

I try to resist and I smile but again,
It strikes me down...
Leaving me to my pen...

So I share the tale of my pain and my ache...
And I hope by the morrow my ail is forsake...

So True...

You never stop laughing because you get old... You grow old because you stop laughing!

Don't leave it so long...

Wow! We just got back from a short break in the sun with friends - our first sunshine holiday since 1987! Why on earth did we leave it so long?

We went to Magalluf to celebrate Claire's 40th - its a place that she and Steve know well and the invitation to join them was very welcome. A sunshine holiday - I could barely contain my excitement!

I love flying and the flight over went very well but the part I was waiting for was to walk out of the airport and feel warm sunshine on my skin... it was bliss!

The feeling of waking up each day and knowing that the sky would be blue, the sun would be out and that we could wear what we wanted and not be cold... it was just the best feeling...

With bare arms and bare legs we went exploring, it was fabulous! Sunshine, real sunshine! Warm and calming and relaxing... It was just gorgeous! The sand was white, the ocean was the clearest, deepest blue and the sky was absolutely cloudless...

Needless to say we lost our inhibitions and gave ourselves over to the sun...

Five days was not enough and I would go back in a hearbeat!

To all of you...

Eenie meanie miny mo, 
Be you friend or be you foe,
I wish no ill,
I wish no strife,
Just want you back on track with life,

Plan it, Love it, Seize the Day...
Hard at work and hard at play... 

Read it, read into it...
Think what you will,
I love you all...
And I always will... xXx

Hope from No Hope...

Look and then see...
Seek and then find...
Finally all becomes calm in your mind...

Clarity rules...
Calm overtakes...
Finally, sense of the nonsense it makes...

Silence...

Silence is golden so they say,
Silence can banish your woes away,

Silence is still like the new days dawn,
Silence can bring a forbidding morn...

Silence is nothing but stillness and calm,
This I tell myself and wait to get warm...

Warm from the noise of the text and the chatter,
Warm from the comfort of light-hearted banter,
Warm from the kisses and warm from the smiles...
From out of the silence and over the miles...

Jealousy...

Once upon a time there was a monster...

On the outside she was kind and caring and tried to do everything she could to help everyone...

On the inside she was green... an ugly green... she was rampant and wild-eyed and scared...

Scared that the man she loved would find comfort in the arms of another...

Until one day... without rhyme or reason... the jealous, writhing monster just vanished...

... and left behind was a calm and caring person who just knew that her man loved her...

...and that was enough!

It's nice to be wanted :-)

I had an email out of the blue from Mighty Aphrodite... you may remember them... I will never forget them...

Zena asked me if I would consider sharing my story with their readers... so I agreed!

Here is my story...

At the beginning of 2008 I had a shaggy shapeless mop of hair and had been wearing glasses since the age of seven! I was a busy working Mum with no time for myself and had been that way for over fifteen years!!

So what happened? My daughter happened! She and I both love Gok Wan and his way of making a girl look again at the way she sees herself. As my 40th birthday approached I became obsessed with my age and everything else paled into insignificance! Eventually, my 15 year old daughter, Emily, suggested that I get a grip, have a new haircut and lose the glasses! So I did!

She came with me to the hairdressers and the hair went! I loved it! Why didn't I do this years ago?? Next I saw the optician and swapped my glasses for contact lens… I haven't looked back since! I even bought make-up and used it!

I felt so different that I wanted to have a portrait done ... but that wasn't enough... I wanted more... I thought of Gok… and I found Mighty Aphrodite!

The idea of a naked photo shoot was firmly planted in my head and wouldn't go away! Don't get me wrong - I am rather timid really - but I simply couldn't shake the idea and felt that if I was really going to make a statement then I should just go for it! I bravely dropped it into conversation one day... and got a resounding yes!

There were so many beautiful photos on their website but I just couldn't get away from one particular image ...

... a girl, naked, bound by chains, suspended in darkness ...

... that was it - the more I dared myself the more I wanted to do it…so I decided to be brave and have a go!

If truth be told I never thought I would actually do the whole naked thing and hoped to come away with a few nice lingerie shots ...

... in fact, when the day came, I allowed myself to follow my heart ... I dared to be brave!

Leigh was great - really down to earth and he made me feel completely at my ease! Nothing awkward or forced and it was really rather fun ;-) Zena was fab too and her compliments and easy manner made me completely relax!

The lighting was carefully done and Leigh knew exactly which shots would flatter me! I bravely told him which shot had inspired me and he said that there was no reason why I couldn’t go for it… I was braver than I dared to hope ... and I am so pleased with the results!

My fantastic hubby, John, was with me for the whole shoot and he thought it was fabulous! He was so proud of me and spent the whole time grinning from ear to ear!

It took all my courage but I did it! I got naked in front of a stranger and had him take photos of me! It was the wildest, most scarey thing I had ever done but it was great!!

The photos gave me the confidence to do what girls do best… shopping! Previously I had been a frustrated shopper, looking for clothes which covered me up and hid the parts I didn't want to show! But now... I looked for tops which showed my shape, I wasn’t afraid of wearing things a little more fitted and I tried on high heel shoes - it felt good - really good!

My confidence soared and I started thinking about my life and about other things I wanted to do... You simply wouldn’t believe where this journey has taken me… ;-)

If you follow my blog I might decide to share a little more...

Friends...

Friends are the family we choose for ourselves... they are the people we choose to spend time with... the people we love...

They are the ones who are always there for you... always offering their shoulder or needing yours...

... and whatever they do they are always forgiven... :)

You know who you are... xxx

If you don't laugh...

..You'll cry!

It's an old expression but what it means is 'put on a brave face, keep smiling and everything will be just fine'

Sometimes the most frustrating of occasions can make you want to cry... so you do what you have to do, you put on a brave face, you smile and you carry on...

... then when you think nobody can see you, that's when you cry... because if you don't let the tears out sometimes you drown...